I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
