if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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