seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
