and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
