I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
