my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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