You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
