wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
