i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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