Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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