so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
