you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
