3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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