You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
