just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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