you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
