like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
