Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
