I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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