he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
