I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
