I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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