She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
