My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
