So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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