I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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