you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My feet surprised me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
