I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
