we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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