Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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