So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
