I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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