I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
