he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
