Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
