My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
All I want is dick and wine.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
