Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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