First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
