Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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