so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
COCAINE IS GR8
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
