Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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