i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
