Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
