i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
