hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
