I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize