Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
