I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
