i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
