So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
