How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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