Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
