what day is it and did you see me today?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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