you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
