we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize