Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
