Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
