Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
