I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So much rum. So many feels.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I did not marry a roomba.
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