I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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