For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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