He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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