my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
do nipples grow back?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
