PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I AM VODKA MAN
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
