In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
there is glitter all over my balls
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